I Don't Get Jaguar

"For Sweden" (rallybeetle) 02/26/2015 at 17:46 • Filed to: Jaguar, Satire, Nonsense, British Cars

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Here's what I know about Jaguar: It's British, its rear wheel drive, it burbles, and it recently did !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I saw that, and I turned to stone. It did not need to exist, but now it does, and it has done no favors in helping me figure out Jaguar.

I can't name a single one of its chassis codes, either. A quick perusal of Jalopnik was unhelpful. It sounds like third-tier Mercedes: It's just fender curves and old money. Jag has lots of those. Lots! Apparently, golfers drive them. Golfers driving should be illegal. Don't golf. Don't tout that as a hobby. It's not okay. You know what else? Without verifying this, I am almost positive Jaguar is Indian. It has to be. If not, British engineers are learning reliability. It's the type of car you pick up bovril with to woo a girl.

Speaking of which, it "allegedly" dated Ford. I bet the bovril thing is how Jaguar got them. Ford loves a romantic gesture. Unfortunately, imagining that led me to imagine how long Ford made Jag wait before they shared platforms, which led me to imagine them making a Jaguar Mondeo, which they probably called "X-Type." They cried and held each other after. Then Jag turned on the kettle and made Earl Grey. Jag has that, too.

I asked the Oppositelock staff if anyone could name a Jaguar chassis code: No one could, except for Jagvar, who gets a pass, because he likes cars that depreciate quickly. The shoeless can like whatever they want, because they are shoeless. I once bribed a shoeless guy to throw a baseball game, and he became a national embarrassment. It's fine. They have tough soles. They don't have to walk on top of things. I asked another friend over Gchat if she knows any Jaguar chassis codes, and she said, "I only know the one that looks like a penis" That didn't make Jaguar click for me.

Circling back to the chassis codes I couldn't name, all of their carss are just random letters followed sometimes by dashes. "D-Type." "E-Type." "F-Type." "XF." (Same as the F-Type, I think.) "XJ." "XE." "XK." You can barely tell where the list of car names ends and where I, myself, started thinking out loud. Quick, take me to the closest adult bookstore! I need more Xs!

Our sweet Jaguar got DRIVEN after the Brit Awards, by the way. What car doesn't from time to time? Although, I am positive if you were cruising with Jaguar, it would end in you holding his gear shift dial back as it saw the Fish & Chips shack behind it then back up and say hello for a second time that night.

In an effort to understand a car who wore whore a hood ornament over an O-face, I looked up its !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . It is completely unhelpful. It's a bunch of gobbledygook about England. British blokes LOOOOOVE Jaguar. I did get a few clues, though. One, it has cars with an R on them. And two, it raced in NASCAR. Now you're speaking a language I understand, and it's not one where math is called "maths" and fries are "chips." The NASCAR connection probably explains why, from time to time, you see Jaguars hanging out with Fords.

A quick Google search of "Jaguar NASCAR" showed me that, yes, Jaguar races, but I had to move on from that for the safety and well-being of myself and those around me. ( Its last NASCAR win was in the 1950s—ed. ) A perusal of the image portion of the same Google search shows Jag !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! with airplanes. It raced against twenty other foreign cars. What the? And !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! it is with a flag girl! What? What. This is the face of someone who also doesn't get Jaguar.

Homeboy was also in a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! in NASCAR 2003 , but NASCAR 2003 will allow anybody. But what the FUCK is Jaguar doing !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! with Kelly Rowland? It's an endorsement contract, I get that part. It's just an odd pairing. Random British car and Kelly Rowland. Kelly Rowland!

I'm not saying anyone is wrong for liking Jaguar. That's fine: You can do whatever you want. I don't even know most of you. I'm just wondering if someone could explain them to me. The more I learn, the less sense it makes. The questions just yield more questions.

Top image via !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

TheHondaBro > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 17:48

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Easier than trying to understand Acura.

philsphan09 > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 17:52

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You lost me on your rant when you said "Don't Golf". You seem to nerdy for golf :)

472CID > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 17:53

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Yeah I mean they don't even look like Jaguars, what kinda shit are they trying to pull?

Patrick Frawley > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 17:56

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djmt1 > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 17:57

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Personally I like Jag because they do what they want.

A lightweight limo.

A giant ass wing.

A loud button.

As you said

did not need to exist

kind of sums up most of Jag's cars but they do exist and the world is a better place for it.

MULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 18:16

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You beautiful bastard.

dogisbadob > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 18:16

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best part

Chan > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 18:30

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You probably don't get Maserati, either.

Their cars are not class-competitive in feature count, performance and even arguably style (they do have a unique front styling theme). On top of that, they are shockingly overpriced.

And they sell, because they are different. Here in California I see Maseratis a lot, more than the newer Jags.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 18:59

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What DJMT1 said, if Jag were American it's slogan would be "because fuck you, that's why".

It's not though, it's British. It's as British as Britain's national dish, Curry.

DrScientist > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 19:22

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In an effort to understand a car who wore whore a hood ornament over an O-face,

(we'll leave your typo aside for the moment)

there are 2 jag hood adornments. there's the leaper which is on the XJ sedan you posted, and the growler. the leaper is a true hood ornament. and is (was?) only available from factory on the sedans. the growler is basically a badge, and i believe what youre referring to by the O-face. it was the only option on the jag coupes (e type on the grill, XJS, XK, dont know about F types).

jaguar ~30 years ago, was in about the same financial situation that lotus was in until recently. basically, producing a niche set of cars, that couldn't support R&D investment. so as the cars aged, they became less and less competitive, enter the downward spiral.

i believe it was Ford who served as the woo-er in their relationship. instilling a bunch of cash, and likely a lot of reliability, in a marque that is still climbing out of its poor reputation. in return, ford got the cache of any trophy wife. of course now they are owned by an indian group, and i'm afraid have lost a lot of their original spirit in design. but likely are producing much better cars.

i think in a nutshell. you have to be of a certain age to appreciate jaguar. (and this is all changing more recently with their newest models) not to say they're for old people, but the time since their heyday can be measured in decades. and this was followed by an uninspiring phase that has left no understanding in the minds of many millenials.

for those of us who remember the beauty of a series 3 xj sitting next to the contemporary boxy 560SEL, jaguar can still bring some serious nostalgia.

RallyWrench > For Sweden 02/26/2015 at 19:25

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When I clap eyes on the rozzers flying blues & twos, mate, I'll be thankful the Coventry boffins have done their maths as I give her the welly. 'Struth.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > For Sweden 02/27/2015 at 02:56

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How about X308 > X300?